Cowgirl In The City

Before I knew it, my emotional barrier had collapsed. I was bareboned, candid, dressed in earnest tears that I couldn’t repress no matter how hard i tried. I’m not one for temper tantrums, especially not crying fits(no, indeedy, no playground booboo, not even a wedgie ever made me shed a tear) But when it comes to saying goodbye’s I’m an emotional basket case. 

With the end-of-the-year mayhem, including finals and packing, I hadn’t really had the chance to recognize that I’d be leaving New York City, shopping, culture, and most importantly my friends for the next four months. It’s amazing how quickly time flies by, especially during the last week of school when your head’s so caught up in philosophy and calculus and you’ve become somewhat delirious from so many frantic all-nighters. After turning in my last paper, I had one of those “holy shit” moments where it all hits you, truth that is, reality, the present moment. We become so consumed by frivolous worries a lot of the time, lost somewhere in the haze, that we’re unable to see what’s in front of us or what’s important. 

My older brother and mom had come into town to help me pack thank God. I had a really good time going to a Yankees games, playing in the city as much as possible, eating a good meal for once(I’m a college student, it’s mostly tuna and ramen for me) But with a million and one different things to do before moving back to Oklahoma I didn’t have much time, or maybe it’s that I unconsciously didn’t want to make time. The night before on the last night out in NYC, me and the drunk gang had a carefree night. We ended up at the Belgium Beer House, all of us happy, smiley and drunk, never mentioning the underlying reality that the group was on the verge of being one less in number. That’s how this stuff should be done–fun and free, celebratory.

That’s how it was with Bunky, my first love, my Penguin, the guy you always come back to, the one you belong with, the one who makes you endlessly smile. (I’ll get around to peter uhh… once I get some balls) We saw each other several times those last couple days, but we avoided saying a proper goodbye. It was a much better alternative than last year’s farewell where we both cried like babies for hours, wrapped up in his big arms like a baby. So this year maybe we were both cheaters or cop-outs, its fine with me. It’s better I think not to get tangled in our emotions when we’re in such a vulnerable state. With the new guy, the nyu wrestler, it was all tears and such, knowing I wouldn’t see the guy I’d spent nearly everyday with for the past 8 months or so. It’s tough stuff leaving someone you’d grown so comfortable with. That’s why most people stay in dysfunctional relationships-the comfort. 

But it wonderful being back at Home Sweet Homa(oklahoma). I can get used to the 80-degree ease, my fun-loving friends, and gorgeous blonde midwest boys just fine. But then back again I’ll go and be faced with another round of goodbyes.

but when it comes to goodbye’s, I turn into a sensitive weakling .